Bios name:
*Matty Midura nickname:
thematt other nickname: el comedulce allias:
Chet Johnson gender:
Male age:
58 birthday:
December 12, 1953 race:
Caucasian height:
5' 9" weight:
185 lbs. (summer) weight:
195 lbs. (winter) body type:
*Athletic hair:
Drk. Brown eyes:
Gray or Hazel / Brownish (depending on mood) religion:
Roman Catholic politics:
Democrat astrological:
Sagittarias language:
*English marital status:
Married (lives alone) other status: rent-able (per 2hrs.) children:
Daughter (age 35) grandchildren:
Grandson (age 16)
pets:
*Dog -
Mountain Fiest / Terrier<< click for photo
Cat - Calico / Tabby (stray - they know where to come and hang out and kill a rat or two in the Fall months!..) wildlife:
Groundhogs, Squirrels, Chipmonks (aka 'Red Squirrels') Exotic Birds (e.g. Cat Tails, 'spotted' Finches, Crows) Woodpecker (they 'jack-hammer' trees at 5 in the morning!) weirdo neighbors:
Senior Citzens (e.g. over 75 years old..) other nuisances:
Brown Marmorated Stink Bug (e.g. little bugs that fart and look like fuck'n turtles!!!..)
Silverfish (hmm,.. they don't look like fuck'n fish to me!..) Crickets (e.g. I use to have a few 'Fence Lizards' to feed on them - where are they, when you need them!!!)
special talents:
Singer
.... and I will sing 'absolutely live' for donations via speaker-phone to you!
But first,.. I would like you to test drive 'Tell Me Why' for free... This particular song is divided into - 2 audio files - within the viewing site, whereas the usual 'story behind the song' and the actual song are presented as separate files. Perhaps you've already heard the original - Tell Me Why by the Belmonts - and featured song upon entering this site previously,.. now indulge 'my cover' of same song on July 29, 2011.
The difference is I am 'unplugged' and '57 y/o' in contrast to the circa 1962 Belmonts,.. who were teenagers or in their early 20's perhaps and, fully supported by a well-oiled band of musicians to mask their shortcomings (e.g. singing ranges) and related.. Me? I am not supported,.. almost 3 times their age - every bit as talented - and perpetual youthful voice too.. "Performing without a band,.. is like Mike Tyson being expected to knock a guy out - while wearing a fuck'n straight-jacket.." 2011
All Material & Quotes:
Property Of Matty Midura Productions Copyright 2001-2011
Note: What most people don't know really - e.g. at least until they play the audio files - I sang - for illustrative purposes only - Dion & The Belmonts hit song DONNA THE PRIMA DONNA impromptu, while recording the 'Story Behind The Song' audio file actually.. You will be quite surprised and perhaps put-off,.. to hear 'just whom' the song was about!
Donate as little as $15 via to hear Matty Midura sing sample songs 'Live' below via speaker-phone!
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nearing the end of 2011
some of the notable moments below...
Kinda weird 'Summer 2011' for me!
By the surprised look on my face,.. it's rather obvious; "geezzz, what the fuck was that? it had looked like a nice looking day - so far.."
MDA dumps Jerry Lewis and I'm gonna spit or something..
Got Questions?
Matt knows!
Note: Your real name - e.g. if provided in original web form - will never, ever, even if requested - be published. You will only be 'JD' (e.g. Jane / John Doe) herein. Additionally, I and, I alone (i.e. Matty Midura) will posses all editorial discretion. By submitting via 'web form' as per preceding posts,.. you agree to these terms aforementioned herein!..
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Note: Pop-ups must be enabled to facilitate use of any web forms for messaging - ICQ or Email Forms, that are here for your convenience, which otherwise will circumvent not using a default mail program (e.g. OE) or client. Moreover, the pop-up rule also applies to the 'off-site' links as well...
Are you a donor? NY State say's so!
Tea Party? really a metaphor for KKK!
Who's the sexy lifeguard??
Arab men? they're butt-fuck'n faggots!
Punxutawney Phil? high on Quaaludes!
Hillary Clinton picks a mean nose!
Brief Editoral from Matty Midura Mystery Murders and Parallel Worlds??
Albeit mysterious in the context of death and circumstances of such,.. the 'two girls' were very different otherwise. If I may be facetious for a moment in a descript context? "Joan Benoit Ramsey died because her over-age highfalutin parents were - e.g. pimping her out as a burlesque dancer - for their equally highfalutin and perverted country club member friends!.." With me so far? Probably not,.. you were part of the 'henchmen crowd' e.g. in absentia outside that Florida courthouse - Tuesday afternoon, July 5th, 2011.. In other words; "not a Moses amongst them!.."
In the case of Caylee Anthony; "her mother (i.e. Casey Anthony) was an irresponsible imbecile,.. and like for like, the grandparents were complicit in the cover-up,.." I am citing the death and disposal (e.g. internment - so to speak!..) of Caylee Anthony... Nevertheless, the prosecution (i.e. led by attorneys Linda Drane Burdick and Jeff Ashton.) failed to present a compelling case! Hence an acquittal.. I don't think it could have been achieved without a sequestered jury.. I AGREE WITH THE VERDICT.
1st Degree Murder or any variation of 'Manslaughter' was never proven!!! Perhaps maybe, an 'accidental drowning' and wholesale panic that followed,.. were in fact the case! However though,.. it was established (thanks to: prosecution team,) that 'Marcia Clarke' (i.e. lead prosecutor.) of OJ Simpson fame, is not alone in the department of 'stupid lawyers' who practice opposite of defense table... But really,.. I must say; "Nancy Grace is comfortability all alone at the very top,.. as the undisputed Queen of All Dummies..." July 06, 2011
Rewind In Time - Historic Moments - in disorderly fashion
March In History: 1950,.. Julius & Ethel Rosenberg were convicted of espionage, passing-on secret information to the Soviet Union - i.e. Atomic Weapons - and related material...
Albeit the case and the evidence against the 'Rosenbergs' appeared to be of the circumstantial variety (e.g. as per 'The Lindbergh Kidnap/Murder' in NJ) obviously, it can not be a coincidence, that the Soviets tested 'their own' Atomic Bomb shortly after the dissemination of what the United States was exclusively in possession of first and - as evident via use to end the war in the Pacific - that being,.. Japan of course!
In the context of 'allies' and 'war' with the previous; "the Filipinos were about as helpful as eating jello with a fuck'n fork.." Try it,.. and see how far you go!.. Does not matter really, for I always think of 'Filipino People' as; "niggers of the Asia race" actually.
Note: The course of history was forever changed, by the events previously mentioned. Albeit the Soviets were in development of their own 'nuclear formula' certainly, it may have been 'years' perhaps, before they 'USSR' would be at the serious testing stage - i.e. Atomic Bomb! Otherwise, this author - Matty Midura is convinced that 'we' the United States could've; "bombed North Korea, and later China into the consistency of a parking lot,.." with impunity! Meaning,.. the Soviet Union would not be able to retort with anything that is comparable to what the United States has at it's disposal obviously!...
Music: 46 years ago, and on March 30th, 1963, the Chiffons had the #1 hit song with He's So Fine. And freelance writer - Matty Midura - was living in Burlington City, New Jersey at that time, attending All Saints Parochial School, and 9 years old.
February In History:
1968,.. US crushes the 'Tet Offensive' just weeks after Saigon (aka Ho Chi Minh City -1975) and other southern provinces were surprised-attacked by North Vietnamese Army regulars, along with support from local sympathizers. 'Tet' is recognized as the Vietnamese New Year, and spans typically the last week of January through the first couple of weeks in February. During the course of the 'French Indochina Conflict' (i.e. 1955 -1975), the French military forces and later the United States, understood 'Tet' to be an unofficial holiday truce. With that said, and assumed or trusted,.. facilitated the offensive's initial success. Albeit a military disaster for the North Vietnamese military, it conversely proved to be a political '800 Pound Gorilla' for the United States, and President Lyndon B. Johnson!..
Myth: United States lost the war in Southeast Asia - Vietnam. Truth: North Vietnam in reality,.. lost the war with the United States! Facts: Death toll for the USA = 58K whereas North Vietnam's losses were millions! Other: Russian 'MIG' pilots that shot down US Fighter Pilots were not Vietnamese!!! Conversely, it was Soviet pilots (i.e. blue-eyed blondes) in the cockpit.. Occasionally, the Soviets used Cuban (e.g. trainees) to test their skills, against our guys - but not quite our very best pilots!. Moreover, surely anything 'yellow in the cockpit' was Chinese! FYI:
Senator John McCain (R-Az.) former POW and 'presidential candidate' presently; "should have been charged with treason, along with other congressional members,..." for signing-off on and 'enthusiastically' supporting President William J. Clinton's normalizing relations with a communist Vietnam! McCain always was a whimpering & decrepit crybaby,.. he i.e. 'McCain of all people, should have opposed that bill, during Clinton's term in office. Moreover, "our enemy, is our enemy for life," it's beyond me, how anyone can embrace their enemy!
Author: February 1966, a 12 year old Matty Midura (pictured slightly below left) was attending All Saints Catholic School in Burlington City, New Jersey... Behind the 'angelic face' of a catholic school student,.. is the 'soul of the devil' waiting to be unleashed!.. I will be forever and 'eternally grateful' to my late father, for sending us to catholic school. We are typically 'better people' both morally & intellectually because of it.. Favorite past times? basketball, burglerizing mom & pop corner stores when unattended, friday nite dances, crossing (e.g. on foot) Burlington-Bristol Bridge to hang-out in downtown Bristol (aka being famous for 'The Bristol Stomp' song..) and,.. general mischief.
The song 'Bristol Stomp' by the great Len Barry (nee Borisoff at left) from just west of where I was born (i.e. South Philadelphia) was equally embraced by 'us' kids in Burlington City.. When played on AM Radio's WIBG (pronouced as Wib-age) with Hy Lit (nee Hyman Lit),.. "we all were estatic and proud to have our cousin across a tiny bridge - i.e. Bristol, Pa. titled & mentioned in a nationally famous song!!!" Other like tune - 'Bristol Twistin Annie' - was cool too..
Music: February 19, 1966, a 23 year old Lou Christie struck gold and had the #1 hit song with Lightning Strikes.
January In History: January 20, 1981, the United States sworn in an embalmed ex-actor Ronald Reagan - as her 40th president.
Albeit, and for all intended purposes; "a functional mannequin,.." Reagan swept into office due to preceding president Jimmy Carter's inept handling of the 1979 -1981 Iran Embassy Hostage Crisis. A pre-inaugural deal brokered by George H.W. Bush (i.e. Reagan's veep-elect) denied Jimmy Carter D-Ga. the satisfaction of having the hostages freed while he was still officially President Of The United States!.. The aforementioned 'deal' of course, came to be known as Iran-Contra, with the Lee Harvey Oswald of the 1980 era - aka USMC Col.Oliver North - as the villain in lieu of John Poindexter and Reagan himself.... In retrospect, I can understand how 'Reagan' could get elected... He was 'tall & handsome' (e.g. somewhat) and a great speaker.. But - BUSH - (e.g. asshole's GW's daddy??),.. it's still a mystery to me, that this fuck'n wimp & political lightweight was the head of the CIA decades ago!
December In History: December 07, 1941 and 67 years ago, the Japanese aerial bombed 'Pearl Harbor' (Hawaii)without a formal 'Declaration Of War' against the United States. Hence, intelligence breakdowns and/or perhaps President Franklin D. Roosevelt turned a 'deaf ear' to this pending attack - while in collusion with Prime Minister Winston Churchill (UK) - to facilitate war against Germany! The latter solidified a divided nation, otherwise trying to recover from a depressed economy! Take note of the photo on left,.. it was the car that President Roosevelt was in.. History omits that fact,.. and the 'dead president' was secretly replaced by another fuck'n crippled & wheel-chaired bound stugatz...
Note: Ironically, and just over 60 years later; "President George W. Bush's vice president (e.g. Dick Cheney) and otherwise the 'unofficial president' actually,.. used the same blueprints, and accordingly set into motion - the attack of the World Trade Centers, via the use of computer controlled over-ride systems (e.g. surface to aircraft) to crash commercial flights into national symbols, to facilitate and justify war with the Arab world.."
November In History: November 05, 1968 and
40 years ago, Richard M. Nixon beat Democratic Nominee - Hubert H. Humphrey (sitting vice president) and Klu Klux Klansman - George C. Wallace (Independent) for the presidency of the United States. The latter facilitated by the unpopularity of sitting president - Lyndon B. Johnson's handling of the Vietnam War, and his decision to not seek another term as our president.
Albeit an 'independent' candidate - Governor Wallace (from Alabama) drew surprising support from sectors of white America, certainly below the Mason-Dixon Line and strangely above (e.g. Northeast),.. who weren't necessarily dissatisfied with President Johnson's direction with the Vietnam War, but conversely with the 1964 signing-into-law of the Civil Rights Act perhaps!!!
Contrary to almost everyone else,.. I liked President Johnson. He should've been president in 1969 when US allegedly "Landed On The Moon" and stuff.. He (i.e. Johnson) was always supportive of the space program really,.. as far back to when Eisenhower (R) was president. Johnson was a high ranking senator from Texas back then, and majority leader! Famously; "I'll be God damned if I'll sleep by the light of a communist moon..." Sen. Lyndon B. Johnson (D) circa 1958.
October In History: October 04, 1957 and 51st. anniversary of the former Soviet Union's launch of Sputnik - first
man made sphere (e.g. satellite) to orbit the Earth. Thus officially the genesis, e.g. of many events to follow, in this 'Cold War' via Russia and the United States. Spy movies e.g. Secret Agent Man & James Bond '007' were representative of the latter...
Accordingly to follow; the Vietnam War, and the mythical '1969 moon landing' (e.g. I think it was faked..) which seemingly became the historical footnotes for the second half of the 20th Century. The previous, a direct result of the hostile and convoluted nature of the competition, signifying differences in ideology via war and technology - between us and them!!!
retro 2009
it's '2011' now and I admit it,.. I am a fuck'n show-off and I really can not contain myself... I'm good looking and I know it, I don't need any help from anyone, with exception to - e.g. otherwise concure! And with a great body for any age - let alone 57 years old! Hence the story below, and using it as an opportunity to brag that I get solicited to work as a 'stripper' - and I have, a couple of years ago..
For starters, I am rather 'indifferent' or perhaps for the most part 'un-excited' by anything really - even money!.. However, it's the 'stupid shit' (e.g. in contrast to what everyone else cherishes,..) that really gets my attention; e.g. "meatballs, ravioli, grape soda, Runts candy, Lemon Heads candy, cherry & french apple pies by TasteyKakes, non-humid days & sunshine, blonde hash, corned beef hash by Broadcast, prescription refills of opiates, and my songs 'Tell Me Why' being downloaded & played etc." otherwise...
Yes,.. that's me - Matty Midura - obviously, near the end of December 2008 (e.g. just below at right).. And perhaps "the most popular & downloaded photo" of me since 1997 by far!.. And the second one is the 'large version' of the photo above left.. And just below left, is an example of: "Be Careful How You Approach Me,.. for you may find that I am 'all business' if that's what you ask for" really, even if your suggestions are otherwise - "a way to try to get a date with me without being obvious.." I am a verbatim person,.. you fuck-around with me baby - you will lose - I just don't care,.. and I abhor semantics & guises!!!
Below, is the 'third message' sent to me. For the first '2' were more in the realm of the 'pick-up line' type. I may have; "but I don't give it away for free, especially if I see a chance to cash in.." You asked for it - dummy!
see below photo...
What do I care really,.. I'm just using my 'sex appeal' (e.g. body as an un-typical over 50 guy..) and looks - to score a few easy bucks. Again, and for example; if you want to date me, don't get stupid or cute with me! Really,.. you don't know me, what I am, and certainly what I am capable of.. My mother; "was a dancer,.. and I was a 'Barbizon Model' years ago." In other words; "the apple does not fall far from the tree!.."
My reply - e.g. to 3rd. message - from this broad (i.e. just above left) was rather typical Matty Midura really! For I replied in the same "oh gee,.. I don't know" manner,.. as I always do; "when someone comes to my office for notary work" actually. I pretend to be busy,.. when in fact I'm not - I can juice you for more money, because you are now sold via 'guilt trip' really, for asking me to defer whatever I happen to be doing - and you want it now!.. You'll go for it,.. because I know you came to me as a last option - most of my notary work goes down that road, always!
In the context of the 'solicitation' above left, and my response; "it took me less than a moment to reply with a price and guidlines - I've done stuff like that before really.." I just acted - e.g. with my response - as if 'she' was asking for the world,.. I can command my price that way... It's a lot cheaper then hiring Chippendales, and a realistic fantasy - e.g. and you will - in contrast to the former! Why? because I am a 'real guy' (e.g. next door neighbor - so to speak!..) their not! Plus,.. I am a 'singer' too. You get a personal 'lounge singer' right there in your living room!!!
November 25, 2009
Note: I require $50 deposit via PayPal and/plus $200 minimum upon showing up!..
God As My Witness;"I never had sex with anyone who hired me,.. inclusive of anyone who was part of these parties I appeared.."It was just business!!!
All Material & Quotes:
Property Of Matty Midura Productions Copyright 2001-2011
retro 2009
it's '2010' now and I still think the Moon Landing was bullshit.. As a matter of fact,.. when ever they dare to show Neil Armstrong - hopping on the lunar surface - like a drugged Easter Bunny wearing a fuck'n crash helmut, the 1970 era show Six Million Dollar Man comes to mind. Remember?? Lee Majors running in slow motion to make us all think he was fuck'n motoring it - that's a metaphor for speeding - stunod... What a bunch of shit they'll sell us!!!
July 20, 1969 - the United States and her Apollo 11 astronauts land on the moon.. Or did they?? Personally, I was 15 years old at that time, watched it with pride,.. but cynical all the while! Famously, it was i.e. Neil Armstrong who took the 'first step' out of the lunar module,.. and echoed those famous words.. And if I have to remind you - e.g. my dear readers here, those words of Neil Armstrong,.. then you'll have to go to the back of the classroom - stunod.. Meaning this; "how fuck'n dense are you, or perhaps your parents, who should've been a bit more cognizant of the fact - you're not really learning anything in the classroom between 8:30 am til 3:00 pm!..."
Puzzling:I wonder 'who's dick' Armstrong had to suck at NASA,... to be the first - e.g. to walk on the moon.. There were two other guys with him actually! Really,.. they could've rolled out of the lunar module while i.e. 'holding hands' like 3 fuck'n queens - then jump in unisent off the last step!!!
July 20, 2009
All Material & Quotes: Property Of Matty Midura Productions
Copyright 2001-2009
Where Is Mr. Quagmire? "you'd probably laugh at him anyway.."
No! I am not talking about that handsome stud of a dog - to the left. Conversely, I am talking about his cousin Guido! I have not yet posted a picture of 'him' aka Mr. Quagmire, as I call him affectionately! So,.. what's this 'quagmire' shit all about? You see, the dog is a Chihuahua that is cute, but conversely deformed so to speak. Well, perhaps I am being a bit overstated. But he is unusual looking!
You bet baby! That is me pictured left, back in 2001 - caught up in anti-Arab hostilities? Actually,.. I did not punch out that guy, but I gave him some options instead. He could agree to give me an 'exclusive' on Osama bin Laden, let me pimp-out his wife at a local truck stop,.. or take his headdress off to wash my Jeep CJ7. Yea, I know it was the middle of winter - cold in the northeast - specifically New Jersey,.. but these were his only choices! Actually, it was a quick thought, on my end really.
Anyway, the would-be terrorist was not about to acquiesce to the 'headgear option' offered, so it was down to two; "his wife being pimped-out, or the Osama exclusive.." This 'camel jocky' really struggled with the last two choices. He was leaning towards the 'pimp my wife' option. So accordingly, I told him to go get her,.. and let me have a look. His wife was sleeping in the 'ladies restroom' while he handled the pumps. It seems to be kinda convenient - living where you work.
Moreover, I've seen a whole Ukrainian family, or was it perhaps Bosnians, holed-up and living out of a gas station. The latter was on a week day really, a couple of adults napping on a couple of busted up chase lounge chairs and so forth. Some were playing cards on the asphalt, while the women were bathing in the restrooms. You would think they were having a fuck'n picnic out there,.. instead of conducting business as a service station!
Continuing,.. he brought out this woman - Mother Teresa in appearance - and asked me what I thought. Needless to say; "a drunken sailor would not pay 5-bucks for that,.. let alone $50 for a ride around the block with this walking tent..." I asked if he had another 'wife' to offer up, their customs permit boatloads of wives. He pretended not to understand me! I was getting bored with it all,.. so I said - forget it stupid!.. Instead, I had him pose for a picture with me, with his wife doing the honors with my mini video camera.
In retrospect, I found that 'the pix' would have some intrinsic value - humor - which is part & parcel of my work, and as reflected previously. With that said, and in the context outlined; "the photo's surely a better offering, if conversely compared to how well I may have indeed profited from,.. while in the futile enterprise of 'pimping out' boring and drab Arab women."
August 25, 2007
The official web site of Matty Midura! Access to several publications produced by Matty Midura since 1997. All this and more, at mattymidura.com, the multi purpose website. Free legal support, workout videos samples, comedy pages, and interviews with controversial people in the news! Check out the 'New Jersey Shark Attack' site, formerly ranked #1 by Google! Site Registered Within 'Search Safe' Database. CONTENT= celebrities , world news , publications , graphics , workout videos , free samples . video clips , free legal support , paralegal on line , notary services , in NJ USA , www.mattymidura.com , comedy page , voting poll , maps , entertainment stars , pictures of thematt , images of matty midura , audio with mattymidura , all about Matty Midura , real life Cousin Vinny , Site Registered , Google. Also - See how 'Matty Midura' and his plan to bring peace to the Middle East, and save Israel. See also!.. How thematt plans to help the Palestinians get a new home or settlement either within Israel,.. or in Egypt somewhere!.. All of this, to "prevent the US from leveling the tiny country, and turning it into a 'Theme Park' or such that is pending at present.. Gee, I wonder what the 'Jewish Defense League' thinks of this.. Arafat may not like it (Peace Plan) either!.. Jews and Arabs love to fight.. Mossad rules!.. Matty Midura likes Jews!.. Jews should like thematt also!.. Israeli girls like thematt & mattymidura plus mattymidura.com too.. Rabbi Neulander calls in on the Matty Midura Show.. Matty Midura buys candy at Kosher.com also!..